It's that time where we start really looking forward to the weekend. What will be doing? What do we have going on? Will we be able to relax? Many questions come on Thursdays. We try and get everything together, and we try to make plans. Sometimes, we have a lot to get done on the weekend, and others we just chill.
This weekend I am spending it in my home town. This is not something I look forward to always, but I do like the idea of going home this time. A road trip is just what I need right now. A break before I have to publish two books, and a break where I need to refresh. The last time I was there, I wasn't even writing my first book. This time I am now an author, and in the process of publishing two more books. That seems odd when it was only a couple of years ago.
It's funny how time flies, and how life happens. We may not know then what our future holds, but we can always look forward to it. The last time I was there, I was scared. I was nervous. I hadn't been home in so long that I didn't know what to expect. I had left without looking back many years ago, and going back there was like a time warp for me. I never wanted to stay in that town forever. I use to feel sorry for the people who never left there. They never got to see the world, or hell out of the state. I didn't want that for my life then. When we went back it was crazy how much had changed, yet not much at all. I drove around to all the old places I use to hang. My house I grew up in, the schools I went too, and even some bad memory places. Walking into places that I had known as a teenager seemed so different as an adult. No longer so big, so small, just places. I wanted to walk through the home I had grown up in, but that wasn't going to happen. My parents no longer lived there.. I wanted to see my bedroom, the closet where all my writings and drawings had hung. I wanted to lay on my old bed, and try to remember the good times. That wasn't going to happen either.
There was a part of me that really wanted to run away when I was a teenager, and I did just that. I ran away. I ran to another home, and a year and half later I was back in that same damn town.. then a month later I left, and I never returned till two years ago. People say that it couldn't have been that bad? They are right. It wasn't that bad.. but back then, I just wanted to be free. I wanted to be myself, I wanted to be who I wanted to be without people remembering who I had been. I wanted to run away and make a life outside of those walls I felt that were crushing me. I did do that. At eighteen I left, and at nineteen I left again..
I married very young, had children, and made my own life. I made my own world. Only the past is always going to be somewhere in your memory. You can run, but it's when you face your past that you can move on. Going there doesn't make me sad or happy. It just completes my circle of my life. Seeing the ones I love, is what makes me want to go back. It's also what keeps me here. It's easy to be someone across the internet. It's easy to say nice things, pretend you care, but it's not easy when your face to face. Memories flood over me, good and bad. I try to keep the tears at bay, but they often escape when I don't want them to. I don't want the pity, because I did everything to myself. I chose the life I live now. I love my life.
As an adult we look back and see all the mistakes we made. All the I'm sorry's we should have said. All the It was my FAULT, all the.. I love you's never spoken. I should have been a better person then, I should have seen that I was loved, but I didn't. I had to learn that on my own in time. I have learned who loves me, who cares, and whom I love. This time I go to my hometown knowing that I faced my past, I moved on, and I learned that I am better for it. Everyone has a past, and it's what we do with our memories to who we become. We could all live in the sad, no one loved me, or the happy I was so popular days, but what does that say about you. Don't live in the past, live in the now. And the now is where I live. Whatever comes from memory lane, is always worth the trip, it teaches me that I am okay. I was always okay, and I will always be a better person for the life I have lived........
This weekend I am spending it in my home town. This is not something I look forward to always, but I do like the idea of going home this time. A road trip is just what I need right now. A break before I have to publish two books, and a break where I need to refresh. The last time I was there, I wasn't even writing my first book. This time I am now an author, and in the process of publishing two more books. That seems odd when it was only a couple of years ago.
It's funny how time flies, and how life happens. We may not know then what our future holds, but we can always look forward to it. The last time I was there, I was scared. I was nervous. I hadn't been home in so long that I didn't know what to expect. I had left without looking back many years ago, and going back there was like a time warp for me. I never wanted to stay in that town forever. I use to feel sorry for the people who never left there. They never got to see the world, or hell out of the state. I didn't want that for my life then. When we went back it was crazy how much had changed, yet not much at all. I drove around to all the old places I use to hang. My house I grew up in, the schools I went too, and even some bad memory places. Walking into places that I had known as a teenager seemed so different as an adult. No longer so big, so small, just places. I wanted to walk through the home I had grown up in, but that wasn't going to happen. My parents no longer lived there.. I wanted to see my bedroom, the closet where all my writings and drawings had hung. I wanted to lay on my old bed, and try to remember the good times. That wasn't going to happen either.
There was a part of me that really wanted to run away when I was a teenager, and I did just that. I ran away. I ran to another home, and a year and half later I was back in that same damn town.. then a month later I left, and I never returned till two years ago. People say that it couldn't have been that bad? They are right. It wasn't that bad.. but back then, I just wanted to be free. I wanted to be myself, I wanted to be who I wanted to be without people remembering who I had been. I wanted to run away and make a life outside of those walls I felt that were crushing me. I did do that. At eighteen I left, and at nineteen I left again..
I married very young, had children, and made my own life. I made my own world. Only the past is always going to be somewhere in your memory. You can run, but it's when you face your past that you can move on. Going there doesn't make me sad or happy. It just completes my circle of my life. Seeing the ones I love, is what makes me want to go back. It's also what keeps me here. It's easy to be someone across the internet. It's easy to say nice things, pretend you care, but it's not easy when your face to face. Memories flood over me, good and bad. I try to keep the tears at bay, but they often escape when I don't want them to. I don't want the pity, because I did everything to myself. I chose the life I live now. I love my life.
As an adult we look back and see all the mistakes we made. All the I'm sorry's we should have said. All the It was my FAULT, all the.. I love you's never spoken. I should have been a better person then, I should have seen that I was loved, but I didn't. I had to learn that on my own in time. I have learned who loves me, who cares, and whom I love. This time I go to my hometown knowing that I faced my past, I moved on, and I learned that I am better for it. Everyone has a past, and it's what we do with our memories to who we become. We could all live in the sad, no one loved me, or the happy I was so popular days, but what does that say about you. Don't live in the past, live in the now. And the now is where I live. Whatever comes from memory lane, is always worth the trip, it teaches me that I am okay. I was always okay, and I will always be a better person for the life I have lived........
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