Why the hell do we bother?

Blogging... It's supposed to be the way to get people to hear your stories, to hear your words of wisdom, or better yet, to read what you are selling.

When I started blogging all I knew was that I was just going to talk about the most random bull-shit and if people read what I wrote, awesome, if not... Well... Then I guess that would be something I had to deal with. It's been literally months since I have blogged. When going through things in your life you either share these issues or you don't. I chose not too. Maybe because I'm a private person in some way, or maybe because there wasn't a way for me to not sound like I was pissed off all the time. Either way... I didn't blog.

Lately, there's been a change in me.... No longer being the kid on the sideline, no longer being the door mat that I have felt I had been for so long. Something inside of me decided no more. I hide behind a screen, I wrote about my issues in my books, and then sat back and just laid there taking whatever may come. In my life, I have never claimed to be perfect, hell, even great at anything, but the common misunderstanding from others is that I didn't care how they treated me. It does, it did, but now... Now, 'they' can say whatever they would like, because honestly my give it a shit meter broke.

People, friends, even family can make you  doubt yourself every single day. Whether it's about my career I chose, my parenting, my marriage, you name it, people have an opinion. Often, I listened to all of their opinions of me, and let it rule my heart. The outside said I was fine, the inside cried... No longer could I stand by and let this keep going on.

Raising two daughters, there's a part of me, that wants to show them that the world is your oyster. Take it by storm and do whatever you can to be the best person you could be... But how could I teach that when I was letting people walk all over me and just saying, "Well, that's just how they are." Please! You are an asshole and you treat people like that because it made you feel better about yourself. No more for me... NO MORE!

I am on a journey of getting healthy, inside and out. If that means having to take a step back from the ones who have hurt me or ever made me feel not good enough... Then BYE, Felicia. (Haha)
There has to be a point in our lives where stand up for ourselves, stand for something. No longer letting the 'naysayers' get the best of you. No longer letting the ones who continually hurt you do so. This has to be something we find within ourselves. People turn to all kinds of things to heal their broken hearts. Alcohol, drugs, food, you name it... We let it heal us for that short time. Hell, people turn to religion thinking that will solve all their problems, and maybe for some it does. Just not me.

Somewhere along this journey you have to stand up for yourself. You have to fight the fight even if no one is on your side. Because you are your own worst enemy at times.


So, now that I have "bitched" about the why's of why I haven't been myself, it's time to share the realization of what my life is truly like. I am overweight, 30 something year old woman, who has always put others first, because that's what I thought I should do. Like I said before at some point in your life you have to take a stand for YOU! That doesn't mean you stop caring for others, it means you start caring about yourself too. This journey we call life has many roads, often we take the one that everyone else takes.. Why lead when we can just follow the sheep? I don't want to be the sheep anymore, I want to be the WOLF! I want to be the leader of my own life, and that's exactly what is going to happen. If you are struggling in your life, then believe me, you are not alone. Every day can be struggle, but if we take the chance to follow the road less traveled then maybe we will find out what we really are made of. Often we let others cut us down, cut us so severely that we don't know if we will bleed out or not.... But somewhere along the way, we have to decide to stop covering up the scars of their words and their actions, stop putting a band-aid over it and let that cut bleed... Till you say ENOUGH!

When people take a stand for something they believe in, as in themselves, you will see that those who have hurt you, will eventually turn away from you. If they can't make you feel like they did then they will turn, they always do.(These are the sheep trying to be wolves.)
We are often taught to turn the other cheek, but sometimes, you have to stand there and take it. Then you have to walk away with your head held high knowing that you no longer would be their punching bag so to speak.

We have to believe in ourselves. That's the first step. If you want to change who you are, then this is they key to open the door. Find out what you really are made of.
As the saying goes.. If you fall for everything you will never stand for anything. Stand TALL, Stand Proud, and be all means.... Be YOU! Be proud of how far you have came, be proud of what you have endured and let the scars show.. That's who you are, that's what makes you, you!

This may actually be the longest blog post I have ever done.. But this was something that I needed to say. I often tell others that they can be themselves, but never did that for myself. Today, that changes.... For me, for you...

Thank you for reading this and taking the time out of your day. If you are struggling with where you are, then make the decision to change and what you let happen in your life. Be proud of who you are.
-Dee-

Nothing is ever black and white...

When you start writing you have no idea where the story or where the sentence is even going.. You just write because it becomes a second nature to you. You write to feel, to let out all those thoughts that run through your mind, and you write to release the inner you. That's where you find yourself becoming the person you wanted to be. You. 

Writing isn't just about making up a story or about pleasing others, it's just about you speaking your mind. You lose yourself somewhere along the way... You find yourself in those pages too. We could all talk about how writing for yourself is a release for thyself, but in all honesty, writing is much more than that. You put your words down on paper (or type it out) and then you decide to release that part of yourself to the world. You take the chance to let the whole world see your soul wrote out in front of the world, letting the cruel world ridicule your every word, your every thought. 

When you write a book, you put your whole world inside your head on blast for the world to say.. You suck, That was amazing, This story was pointless, This was a waste of my time, the list goes on and on.. BUT let's remember you are the one that took the chance for the whole world to read your thoughts. You took the chance for people to see inside of your little world. No, you may not be the best, hell, you may be the worst, but does that matter? You wrote what you felt, it was never about pleasing the whole world, it was about you sharing who you are, a part of you.. in black and white. 

Nothing in this world is ever just black and white. Those words you share with the world, those thoughts, those characters, are all apart of who you are. That's you in black and white, yet, the world you want to bring to others is full of colors. The dark shades of the pain you have felt, the lighter shades showing the joyful times you have had. Nothing in this world is black and white. It's a world full of so many shades, that you never want anyone to walk away thinking.. That was just black and white. I want to write in color. I want to feel in color. The pain that drives me, the lighter shades that light my path, these are all my words, my thoughts, my fears and dreams wrote in ... well, color. 

Don't ever let anyone take your passion from you. Everyone can have opinion, but if you write, you started for one reason only. Yourself. Don't let the ones who only see black and white cloud your dream. Be who you are and don't be afraid of who that is. Because someone, somewhere, see's those same colors you wrote in. As for me, I think I am going to keep writing in many colors, many shades of myself.. I will never let anyone steal my colors. Those are mine to share, not theirs. We, as writers, have to know that we do something others are petrified of doing... We let ourselves be seen for who we are. The good, the bad, and the ugly! So, you, yes you, YOU keep being yourself, because that's who I want to know. The real, the raw, the unleashed best version of you!

Peace, Love, and all that Jazz- Dee King